Bloggleheads

Oh lord, here we go again … and I hate feeling this way.

It’s the Superbowl again and, despite the implications of the name, we are being subjected to the same dull routine and the same dull game. We start with media day (and the unstoppable “will he/won’t he play” debate that always happens – and it doesn’t matter for whom), then starts hype for the commercials, then comes the game itself and th pre-, mid- and post-game performances, interviews and analyses.

SNORE. Let’s sprinkle some zazz on this turd.

Media Day

Over the last couple of years, Media Day has gotten popular because … well, that’s just it – I have no idea why. Who wants to see/hear professional athletes answer questions that generally have nothing to do with what they get paid millions of dollars to do? People who think the word “silly” still flies. That’s who.

Venue

The Superbowl is always held in a warm, sunny climate in the south: Miami, New Orleans, etc. Screw that – these two teams have struggled for months to reach it this far, why take it easy on them now? I am, of course, suggesting the construction of an arena large enough and brutal enough to be called the home of the Superbowl.

We’ll call this tentative football Valhalla “The Lombardi Coliseum.” Why? Because it’s bad-ass and NFL folks like tradition.

The Lombardi Coliseum would be 100% outdoors and built where Pennsylvania and Ohio meet. Why? Have you ever been around there this time of the year? – it’s absolutely brutal there. Enough pampering these millionaire fat asses in plastic armor- let’s see who really wants that championship more.

You listening, Goodell?

Pre-Game Performances by Bob and the Whogivesashits

Scrap it all. Unless strippers will be involved – but even then: let’s keep it under five minutes and not involve covering a song written before 1985. Please? – I know it’s hard.

Half-Time Performances

Ok, this is tough for me to write, but it has to be said …

Who can deny the utter truth of the following statement: “After watching [performer] play halftime, I can finally say that I truly understand what Neil Young meant when he said “it’s better to burn out than to fade away”.”

Res ipsa loquitur

I have other ideas about how we can make the game itself more exciting (taking away defensive pass interference, abolition of false-starts and contractually incentivizing “remember me” hits) but the Commissioner’s office has been slow to respond to my rule change requests.

Perhaps one day we will live in a world with a truly super Superbowl. Until then we’ll have to force ourselves to watch another year of hard-nosed finesse football (how else can you describe both teams?) in an idyllic setting with blockbusting performances by household music icons flawlessly coordinated and executed by television’s most influential gurus. Poor us.

But what do I know? I just an asshole wearing clown makeup.

You may or may not have heard, but Tiger’s in a bit of hot water these days. Bloggleheads’ position on Tiger Woods off-course drama are as follows:

An individual’s ability to strike a tiny ball with a stick is an atrocious measure of one’s moral worth and any assertions to the contrary are misguided at best.

Some people feel like Tiger lead them on. That he was a pretending to be a nice guy for years so he could rake in the dough from various ludicrously lucrative endorsements. This assertion too, is incorrect.

To see the real Tiger. You must go to his natural habitat: the golf course. The man has literally spent most of his life on a golf course, so one can safely assert that his actions on the course are indicative of his true nature. Right? Watch some footage and you will see that Tiger Woods was never the Greek God everyone put on their pedestal.

Seriously, did any of you ever watch the guy play? He throws tantrums – like, actual ones – and he throws them regularly; he hisses at photographers, he yells at fans – and watch out when he loses. His nostrils flare, his eyes roll up into his skull and his face scrunches so tight that one actually has to entertain the idea that the man’s brain is taking a rage-dump.

Sure, the guy is right-as-rain in the post-play interviews – but anyone can smile pretty for the camera.

The point of all this is that the only genuinely true thing we know about Tiger Woods is that he is extraordinarily talented. If you find yourself heated over his indiscretions, just realize that he never was what you thought and the Tiger you knew was only an amalgam of billions of marketing dollars. You were duped. Bummer.

Tiger isn’t a nice guy because he drives a Buick, and Buicks still aren’t cool even though Tiger drives one.

But what do I know? I’m just an asshole in clown makeup.

The finalists for College Football’s prestigious Heisman Award have been announced, and those in the know will notice one gaping omission from the ballot. Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, Mark Ingram, Toby Gerhart and Ndamukong Suh have shown over the course of the season excellence worthy of commendation, but whom among them can say that they had a better season than Emerson College Senior QB Matt Riehle?

Riehle, an unassuming Ginger out of Cretin-Durham Hall in St. Paul, MN, finished his excellent-yet-unsung career just last week beating the Northeastern Huskies 42-36. Riehle threw for 440 Yards and 5TD in the vicious romping that left former Huskies head coach Rocky Hager foaming at the mouth and spouting obscenities at nearby children. It has since been reported that NEU’s loss to Riehle and the Lions was a major factor in the decision to cancel the school’s football program.

Sit down for Riehle’s career numbers:

Career Passer Rating: 165.4 – only 3.5 points shy of the all-time record held by Boise State’s Ryan Dinwiddie.

Career Passing Yards: 13,197 – only 47 yards shy of Colt McCoy

Career Touchdowns: 142 –  30 touchdowns more than the closest Heisman candidate.

Some of Riehle’s highlights:

In week five, Riehle led a broken down Lions team to a victory over ND Tech after being down 42-0 at the half. The game was won on a QB scramble in the final seconds of regulation – all with his first and second string running backs out with the flu.

In week seven, Riehle passed for 603 yards against the BCF’s number one ranked passing defense, WVSD, in a 71-14 rout that came to be known as the “Rumble in the Commons.”

Riehle’s career defining game, oddly enough was a 7-0 win over USB – a hard fought game during which the Emerson Lions managed only 250 yards – all by Riehle.

To be fair, there were two factors working against this this Heisman should-have-been. Firstly, and most obviously, is the Emerson Lions’ record. The team went a paltry 16-32 in games that Riehle started, though that stands more as a testiment to Emerson College’s lack of commitment to a solid sports program than it does any fault in Riehle’s ability.

The second factor is size and translatability. Riehle stands at only 5′8″ and weighs (at best) maybe 180. Scouts wonder aloud if he could endure the punishment of a 16 game NFL season with D Backs north of 300lbs trying to sack him. The scouts verdict seems more or less unanimous: Matt Riehle would be killed the moment he snapped a football professionally.

“That’s it?” You wonder. “Just because he’d never be able to play professionally, the sportswriters of America, a nation dedicated in foundation to individual achievement, are going to discount this young man’s greatness just because he’s not going to go on to make the NFL money some day?”

Yes. That is what I’m telling you, my Minions.

If you want to complain, and I suggest you do, call or e-mail your local sports writer and demand they explain themselves. Fuck it – call your congressperson, lord knows they’re trying to figure out ways to avoid the healthcare debate – ask them why Matt Riehle, Quarterback out of Emerson College could possibly not be nominated for the Heisman Award … maybe they can right this injustice.

… but what do I know, I’m just an asshole wearing clown makeup.

Minions: Stop what you are doing immediately and duck for cover!
The Godfather, Mr. George Michael Steinbrenner III, is not the senile and decrepit Don Fanucci we all have become accustomed to. The Associated Press reports that Steinbrenner has been “playing an active role in the decision making” for this offseason. Yes sir, you heard me right: the bull has bucked its way back into the china shop; unbound from his luxury rascal – roaming the front office like a ravenous manatee looking to make more of the jarring and sensationalist roster moves that have defined his infamy.
And You and I both know that there is only one player that ol’ George has in his sights; the only player smart enough to let the world know he wants to play in pinstripes. You know: the six and a half foot, two hundred and thirty pound Ginger in the room with a dynamite fastball …
Why would anyone pass on a talent as obvious as Roy Halladay? Over the last five years, few pitchers have outperformed Halladay. Everything I hear makes him out to be Sly in Rocky IV: He wakes up every morning and eats a raw baseball – leather and all – just to send a message to the others. He maintains an entourage of Shaolin Monks to help maintain his Zen-Master pitching motion. He absorbed all of Mark Prior’s potential after they simultaneously opened a pair of enchanted fortune cookies.
Seriously though: the guy wins. A lot. And he’s a good clubhouse guy who isn’t afraid to mentor the up-and-comers (just ask A.J.). So seriously, why shouldn’t the Yankees just hop onto Poppa Steinbrenner’s back and let him take us to Dynasty land?
Because, Minions, that would be stupid. Sure: Halladay is good. I mean: he’s really effing good. Which is why we should let the insta-dynasty roll on by.
In order to get a talent like Halladay, Toronto is going to want some combination of Hughes, Joba “Hutt” Chamberlain, Melky Cabrera and Minor leaguers Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero (I’m guessing probably 3 out of the five; two majors ready and a minor leaguer – anything less would be highway robbery). That is just too much for a stud pitcher whose best years are probably behind him. He is thirty two, which although not “old” by real-world standards – is at least the “beginning of the end” in baseball years.
What’s more, he (or his agent) is guaranteed to insist on a contract extension (probably to the tune of 4 years @ $20M per) with any trade that they consider accepting. So in signing Halladay, the Yankees would not only lose young and CHEAP potential all-stars to an inter-divisional rival, but recklessly overpay for a hot name with only another year or two in his arm. Halladay just isn’t worth the cost considering we are already so close to having a dynasty-caliber team with the pieces we have in development.
So fuck him. Let the Red Sox take him. No no, really.
To get Halladay – and Theo and Co. have uncharacteristically expressed interest through the media – the Sox’d have to lose some combination of Bucholtz, Ellsbury, Daniel Bard and minor leaguer Casey Kelly.
Kelly, a dynamite SS who also pitches with plus control, is the heart of the deal – and why we, fans of the greatest team in organized sport (the Yankees, so we’re clear) – should be sacrificing chickens, goats and small children to the Baseball Gods to get Theo and Toronto GM Anthopoulos to pull the trigger.
Sure, the Sox’d be good for a year or two; a rotation of Lester, Beckett and Halladay certainly does have a little sex appeal. But they’re a team featuring a lineup showing their age. Ortiz, Lowell, Drew, Varitek can’t hope to compete at a championship level for much longer (and, Yes: I know that V-Mart is there now, but if you think that he’s going to handle that pitching staff even half as well as ‘Tek you are sorely mistaken). Casey Kelly is touted as the Sox’s answer to the black hole they call “short stop” in Fenway Park – not since Nomahhh have they had any sort of value at that position.
If the Yankees don’t go through with the trade, we’re still just fine and cruising to another decade of domination. But if the Red Sox don’t go through with the trade, they’re looking at a suddenly very old and very vulnerable lineup with a rotation of only two guaranteed-decent starters (think: Yankees 2003-2007). If they DO go through with it, they have a rotation that’d make Xerxes’ armies tremble, but no lineup to back it up. Seriously: Pedroia, Youk, V-Mart … then who? The rest of their lineup is a dream team from 2004 (Ortiz, Lowell, Bay, Drew) and a rotating circus of nobodies at Short and Center Field; I see a lineup with 3 good players and six ‘K’ machines.
You’ll notice that I’m not even bringing up how these trades will benefit Toronto. Because they won’t. Years of awful decision making by that front office has only proven their incompetence. Any prospects the Yankees or Red Sox send over the border can more or less consider their careers over. Toronto management won’t recognize the good players and trade them away/ let them waste away in the minors and reward the mediocre players with landmark contracts in further desperate attempts to show the world that Toronto is “relevant.”
** Newsflash Toronto: the Pittsburgh Pirates are more relevant than you are; the fucking Kansas City Royals are a more relevant franchise than the Toronto Blue Jays. Move to a city that cares. Maybe you’ll stop professionally embarrassing yourselves. **
And that’s the real beauty of the situation, folks. If we can get King George back into blissful senility, we have nothing to fear. Toronto wouldn’t know what to do with decent prospects if they got them (and even if they did they’d still only be a 4th place team at best). Theo Epstein, showing uncharacteristic greed, might finally shoot himself in the foot and hamstring his team for the next half-decade.
Cash just has to sit back and watch … well, that and keep sneaking the alprazolam into Steinbrenner’s daily tea of prospects’ tears. No sir, Tampa is not for the weak …

… but what do I know. I’m just an asshole wearing clown makeup.

By Michael Alexander
 
It’s snowing in parts of New Jersey and New York in October, and in other signs of the apocalypse, the New York Rangers are in first place in the NHL and Marian Gaborik hasn’t torn his groin apart … and we’re seven games in already! (For the record, does anyone else find it hilarious (or fishy) that Gaborik’s replacement in Minnesota, Martin Havlat, injured his groin?)
 
Gaborik is scoring at a, well, a healthy Marian Gaborik rate while the power play is actually scoring. I’ll give Rangers fans a moment to wipe away their tears of joy at the latter part of that previous sentence. It’s been a truly remarkable start to the season, as the team is riding a six-game winning streak after losing opening night at Pittsburgh.
 
Wait a second, I’ve seen a start like this before! It was … it was … last year! Ah, that’s right, the Tom Renney-led Rangers kicked off last season’s campaign going 10-2-1, but this start feels different, doesn’t it?
 
It feels that way because the Rangers felt the pain of Head Coach John Tortorella’s training camp. If you’ve paid attention to the Rangers since the summer, Tortorella has been preaching conditioning from day one, and he wasn’t talking about sprucing up his thinning locks (although I am pretty sure his goat-tee could give Aaron Voros a solid beatdown).
 
Every pre- and post-game press conference Torts’ has conducted, he has talked about the level of conditioning that the team was at last year and where they are now. It almost seems like an after-thought, but this is really why this team is winning. They are finishing games until the end.
 
Like any team they’ll have lapses at times throughout a game, but in general they finally have a killer instinct. This is due to the rigorous training camp that the players went through. They skated, and skated, and skated, and probably vomited, and then skated some more. When they fouled up, they got a spanking from Tortorella, and when you put that all together, here they are in first place.
 
I know it’s October and Voros was the league leader in points last year around this time and hockey fans around the world committed mass suicide, but this team is playing a full 60 and cutting the throats of their opponents, not squeaking by in one-goal nail-biters.
 
So we’ll continue to watch the pigs fly and Wade Redden get cheers, and hopefully hell will freeze over too, but that would mean Michal Rozsival is playing well.

 
By: Bob Sacamano
 
Picking the Yankees? Hardly a bold prediction. I don’t think there is a bold prediction in this series aside from predicting it to be over in four or five. Most people seem to believe this series will go the distance (unlike your first time). I am definitely in that majority.
 
The Yankees will have their hands full with the Angels, we all know that. I think this entire series is going to come down to the bullpens. The Yankees bullpen has been great, and many expect it to continue to be great. On the other hand, the Angel bullpen has been mediocre at best (like your first time), and doesn’t have a great outlook moving forward (although I’m sure you got sooo much better).
 
Starting Pitching: Push
Yankees are top-heavy, Angels have depth.
 
Bullpen: Yankees
Joba, Hughes, Mariano could turn these into 6-inning games
 
Lineup: Push
Yankees can just bludgeon teams to death, but the Angels’ lineup is fast, smart and full of .300 hitters.
 
Get ready for it, folks. The Angels are going to run all over Johnny Damon’s horrible excuse for a man’s arm every chance they get. Taking second on should-be singles to left, going first-to-third with regularity. It’s going to be ugly. I’ve always said Damon looks like he’s throwing with the wrong arm, and the more and more I see him throw, the more I want him to put a glove on his left hand and throw with his right arm. I bet he’s got a canon.
 
How to: Throw like Johnny Damon
Step 1 – Pick up a relatively small object that fits in your hand
Step 2 – Put the object in your other hand (non-throwing arm)
Step 3 – Take a 5-minute break
Step 4 – Throw it as far as you can
Step 5 – Impress your friends with your spot-on Damon impression
 
To win this series, the Yankees will have to play defense and get the game to their bullpen with the lead. It’s going to be tight, every game will be close (another bold one, I know). Bloggleheads will be with you throughout the playoffs for well, not the greatest insight, but insight nonetheless.
 
Is it NLCS predictions you want? Here’s my prediction: It doesn’t matter; the AL is winning the World Series.
 
Giddy-up.

Here are the Don’s picks of the week for week 7 in college football.  Home team in CAPS

Cincinatti (-1.5) SOUTH FLORIDA

Iowa (+2.5) WISCONSIN

TEXAS (-3) Oklahoma

Ohio State (-13.5) PURDUE

Arkansas (-24.5) FLORIDA

ALABAMA (-17) South Carolina

NEBRASKA (-10.5) Texas Tech

Usc (-10) NOTRE DAME

Minnesota (-17.5) PENN STATE

Houston (-17) TULANE

TCU (-22) Colorado State

Byu (-16.5) SAN DIEGO ST

Va Tech (-3) GEORGIA TECH

Miami (-14) CENTRAL FLORIDA

Kansas (-10) COLORADO

Missouri (+7) OK STATE

Utah (-16.5) UNLV

Pick of the week Cinci -1.5 over South Florida and Va Tech -3 over Georgia Tech.

The New York Yankees ace C.C. Sabathia is slated to start games 1,4, and 7 againts the Angels in the ALCS, weather permitting. 

The forecast for Friday in the Bronx is not looking promising, and if game one is postponed, the Yankees may be forced to use a fourth starter.

Here are your week 6 NFL picks.  Home team in CAPS.

Chiefs (+6) REDSKINS

BENGALS (-4.5) Texans

STEELERS (-14) Browns

VIKINGS (-3) Ravens

JAGUARS (-9.5) Rams

Giants (+3) SAINTS

Panthers (-3) BUCCANEERS

Lions (+13.5) PACKERS

Eagles (-14) RAIDERS

SEAHAWKS (-3) Cardinals

Bills (+9.5) JETS

PATRIOTS (-9) Titans

Bears (+3) FALCONS

Broncos (+3.5) CHARGERS

There you have it.  The pick of the week this week comes from the Monday night game.  Take the red hot Broncos getting 3.5.

After a short hiatus, Bloggleheads is back and better than ever. Enjoy!