Murmurs from the Freak Desk: The Superbowl is a Broken-Down Circus!
Oh lord, here we go again … and I hate feeling this way.
It’s the Superbowl again and, despite the implications of the name, we are being subjected to the same dull routine and the same dull game. We start with media day (and the unstoppable “will he/won’t he play” debate that always happens – and it doesn’t matter for whom), then starts hype for the commercials, then comes the game itself and th pre-, mid- and post-game performances, interviews and analyses.
SNORE. Let’s sprinkle some zazz on this turd.
Media Day
Over the last couple of years, Media Day has gotten popular because … well, that’s just it – I have no idea why. Who wants to see/hear professional athletes answer questions that generally have nothing to do with what they get paid millions of dollars to do? People who think the word “silly” still flies. That’s who.
Venue
The Superbowl is always held in a warm, sunny climate in the south: Miami, New Orleans, etc. Screw that – these two teams have struggled for months to reach it this far, why take it easy on them now? I am, of course, suggesting the construction of an arena large enough and brutal enough to be called the home of the Superbowl.
We’ll call this tentative football Valhalla “The Lombardi Coliseum.” Why? Because it’s bad-ass and NFL folks like tradition.
The Lombardi Coliseum would be 100% outdoors and built where Pennsylvania and Ohio meet. Why? Have you ever been around there this time of the year? – it’s absolutely brutal there. Enough pampering these millionaire fat asses in plastic armor- let’s see who really wants that championship more.
You listening, Goodell?
Pre-Game Performances by Bob and the Whogivesashits
Scrap it all. Unless strippers will be involved – but even then: let’s keep it under five minutes and not involve covering a song written before 1985. Please? – I know it’s hard.
Half-Time Performances
Ok, this is tough for me to write, but it has to be said …
Who can deny the utter truth of the following statement: “After watching [performer] play halftime, I can finally say that I truly understand what Neil Young meant when he said “it’s better to burn out than to fade away”.”
Res ipsa loquitur
I have other ideas about how we can make the game itself more exciting (taking away defensive pass interference, abolition of false-starts and contractually incentivizing “remember me” hits) but the Commissioner’s office has been slow to respond to my rule change requests.
Perhaps one day we will live in a world with a truly super Superbowl. Until then we’ll have to force ourselves to watch another year of hard-nosed finesse football (how else can you describe both teams?) in an idyllic setting with blockbusting performances by household music icons flawlessly coordinated and executed by television’s most influential gurus. Poor us.
But what do I know? I just an asshole wearing clown makeup.
