Bloggleheads

Minions: Stop what you are doing immediately and duck for cover!
The Godfather, Mr. George Michael Steinbrenner III, is not the senile and decrepit Don Fanucci we all have become accustomed to. The Associated Press reports that Steinbrenner has been “playing an active role in the decision making” for this offseason. Yes sir, you heard me right: the bull has bucked its way back into the china shop; unbound from his luxury rascal – roaming the front office like a ravenous manatee looking to make more of the jarring and sensationalist roster moves that have defined his infamy.
And You and I both know that there is only one player that ol’ George has in his sights; the only player smart enough to let the world know he wants to play in pinstripes. You know: the six and a half foot, two hundred and thirty pound Ginger in the room with a dynamite fastball …
Why would anyone pass on a talent as obvious as Roy Halladay? Over the last five years, few pitchers have outperformed Halladay. Everything I hear makes him out to be Sly in Rocky IV: He wakes up every morning and eats a raw baseball – leather and all – just to send a message to the others. He maintains an entourage of Shaolin Monks to help maintain his Zen-Master pitching motion. He absorbed all of Mark Prior’s potential after they simultaneously opened a pair of enchanted fortune cookies.
Seriously though: the guy wins. A lot. And he’s a good clubhouse guy who isn’t afraid to mentor the up-and-comers (just ask A.J.). So seriously, why shouldn’t the Yankees just hop onto Poppa Steinbrenner’s back and let him take us to Dynasty land?
Because, Minions, that would be stupid. Sure: Halladay is good. I mean: he’s really effing good. Which is why we should let the insta-dynasty roll on by.
In order to get a talent like Halladay, Toronto is going to want some combination of Hughes, Joba “Hutt” Chamberlain, Melky Cabrera and Minor leaguers Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero (I’m guessing probably 3 out of the five; two majors ready and a minor leaguer – anything less would be highway robbery). That is just too much for a stud pitcher whose best years are probably behind him. He is thirty two, which although not “old” by real-world standards – is at least the “beginning of the end” in baseball years.
What’s more, he (or his agent) is guaranteed to insist on a contract extension (probably to the tune of 4 years @ $20M per) with any trade that they consider accepting. So in signing Halladay, the Yankees would not only lose young and CHEAP potential all-stars to an inter-divisional rival, but recklessly overpay for a hot name with only another year or two in his arm. Halladay just isn’t worth the cost considering we are already so close to having a dynasty-caliber team with the pieces we have in development.
So fuck him. Let the Red Sox take him. No no, really.
To get Halladay – and Theo and Co. have uncharacteristically expressed interest through the media – the Sox’d have to lose some combination of Bucholtz, Ellsbury, Daniel Bard and minor leaguer Casey Kelly.
Kelly, a dynamite SS who also pitches with plus control, is the heart of the deal – and why we, fans of the greatest team in organized sport (the Yankees, so we’re clear) – should be sacrificing chickens, goats and small children to the Baseball Gods to get Theo and Toronto GM Anthopoulos to pull the trigger.
Sure, the Sox’d be good for a year or two; a rotation of Lester, Beckett and Halladay certainly does have a little sex appeal. But they’re a team featuring a lineup showing their age. Ortiz, Lowell, Drew, Varitek can’t hope to compete at a championship level for much longer (and, Yes: I know that V-Mart is there now, but if you think that he’s going to handle that pitching staff even half as well as ‘Tek you are sorely mistaken). Casey Kelly is touted as the Sox’s answer to the black hole they call “short stop” in Fenway Park – not since Nomahhh have they had any sort of value at that position.
If the Yankees don’t go through with the trade, we’re still just fine and cruising to another decade of domination. But if the Red Sox don’t go through with the trade, they’re looking at a suddenly very old and very vulnerable lineup with a rotation of only two guaranteed-decent starters (think: Yankees 2003-2007). If they DO go through with it, they have a rotation that’d make Xerxes’ armies tremble, but no lineup to back it up. Seriously: Pedroia, Youk, V-Mart … then who? The rest of their lineup is a dream team from 2004 (Ortiz, Lowell, Bay, Drew) and a rotating circus of nobodies at Short and Center Field; I see a lineup with 3 good players and six ‘K’ machines.
You’ll notice that I’m not even bringing up how these trades will benefit Toronto. Because they won’t. Years of awful decision making by that front office has only proven their incompetence. Any prospects the Yankees or Red Sox send over the border can more or less consider their careers over. Toronto management won’t recognize the good players and trade them away/ let them waste away in the minors and reward the mediocre players with landmark contracts in further desperate attempts to show the world that Toronto is “relevant.”
** Newsflash Toronto: the Pittsburgh Pirates are more relevant than you are; the fucking Kansas City Royals are a more relevant franchise than the Toronto Blue Jays. Move to a city that cares. Maybe you’ll stop professionally embarrassing yourselves. **
And that’s the real beauty of the situation, folks. If we can get King George back into blissful senility, we have nothing to fear. Toronto wouldn’t know what to do with decent prospects if they got them (and even if they did they’d still only be a 4th place team at best). Theo Epstein, showing uncharacteristic greed, might finally shoot himself in the foot and hamstring his team for the next half-decade.
Cash just has to sit back and watch … well, that and keep sneaking the alprazolam into Steinbrenner’s daily tea of prospects’ tears. No sir, Tampa is not for the weak …

… but what do I know. I’m just an asshole wearing clown makeup.