Bloggleheads

You may or may not have heard, but Tiger’s in a bit of hot water these days. Bloggleheads’ position on Tiger Woods off-course drama are as follows:

An individual’s ability to strike a tiny ball with a stick is an atrocious measure of one’s moral worth and any assertions to the contrary are misguided at best.

Some people feel like Tiger lead them on. That he was a pretending to be a nice guy for years so he could rake in the dough from various ludicrously lucrative endorsements. This assertion too, is incorrect.

To see the real Tiger. You must go to his natural habitat: the golf course. The man has literally spent most of his life on a golf course, so one can safely assert that his actions on the course are indicative of his true nature. Right? Watch some footage and you will see that Tiger Woods was never the Greek God everyone put on their pedestal.

Seriously, did any of you ever watch the guy play? He throws tantrums – like, actual ones – and he throws them regularly; he hisses at photographers, he yells at fans – and watch out when he loses. His nostrils flare, his eyes roll up into his skull and his face scrunches so tight that one actually has to entertain the idea that the man’s brain is taking a rage-dump.

Sure, the guy is right-as-rain in the post-play interviews – but anyone can smile pretty for the camera.

The point of all this is that the only genuinely true thing we know about Tiger Woods is that he is extraordinarily talented. If you find yourself heated over his indiscretions, just realize that he never was what you thought and the Tiger you knew was only an amalgam of billions of marketing dollars. You were duped. Bummer.

Tiger isn’t a nice guy because he drives a Buick, and Buicks still aren’t cool even though Tiger drives one.

But what do I know? I’m just an asshole in clown makeup.